Our Privacy Portfolio
Twenty solutions across five categories of privacy theatre. Self-serve plans start at $24/mo. Enterprise consultations are billed quarterly in advance.
Self-Serve Tier
Buy Now, Comply Later
Cart-purchasable products for teams that need a quick compliance posture without the discovery call.
Privacy Curtain™ for Your Phone
A premium screen overlay marketed as opaque. Ships transparent.
$89
Military-Grade Padlock Icon™
An SVG of a padlock. For your website. Annual license.
$1,499 / yr
Quantum-Resistant Voicemail™
Your voicemail. With the word 'quantum' in front of it.
$24 / mo
Data Consent Checkbox Simulator™
An embeddable consent checkbox. Auto-checks itself, then briefly un-checks so the user 'sees the choice.'
$299 / site
Cookie Banner Generator Pro+™
47-paragraph cookie modals with a 'Reject All' button that submits 'Accept All.'
$199 / mo
HIPAA-Compatible™ Sticker Sheet
24 stickers. Adhesive is non-medical-grade.
$39
Compliance Calendar 2026™
A wall calendar with 365 different made-up frameworks.
$49
Right-to-Be-Forgotten Form™
Submits to /dev/null. Auto-replies with a 90-day 'we're processing your request.'
$79 one-time
The Forgetting Stone™
A polished river rock you whisper your data into. Ships in a velvet bag.
$129
Incognito Mode+™
A browser extension that does what regular incognito does. With a glowing border.
$14.99 / mo
VPN-Adjacent Connection™
Routes traffic through a single server in New Jersey we own. Marketed as 'globally distributed.'
$39 / mo
Enterprise Tier
Schedule a Privacy Consultation
Custom-priced engagements for organizations with a board, a procurement team, and quarterly compliance reviews. A Privacy Specialist will reach out within 47 business days.
Encrypted Thoughts™
A neural privacy layer that encrypts your intent.
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Granular Permission Dial™
A UI dial with 1,400 toggles. All wired to the same boolean.
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Privacy Preference Center™
A 14-tab modal that takes 9 minutes to navigate. Saves nothing.
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GDPR-Adjacent™ Compliance Pack
A laminated PDF declaring you 'spiritually aligned with GDPR.'
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Trust Center Generator™
Auto-builds a /trust page with 47 logos of standards we invented this morning.
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Data Shredder™ Cloud Edition
Moves your data to a different bucket called /shredded.
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Anonymous Analytics™
Tracks every user, then renames the column 'userId' to 'anonymousId.'
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